Please, won’t somebody think of the lambs?

On 14 October 2005 with 4 comments

From: Steven McCants
To: Waldo Jaquith
Subject: Lambs Over Landmines
Date: October 13, 2005

Dear Mr. Waldo, Influential Blogger:

As you may know, for many impoverished nations, the war is never over. That’s because leftover landmines continue to plague the countryside for many decades. Thousands of children are senselessly maimed by old landmines each year. Imagine it: a young child plays hopscotch in a barren field, only to be tragically blown to smithereens on her final jump.

But what can be done? Poor countries don’t have the infrastructure to correct this problem, so that’s where Lambs Over Landmines comes in.

We send flocks of live lambs into areas that have not been cleared of mines. The lambs wander onto the mines and heroically set them off. This actually kills two birds with one stone, because the landmine explosion quickly cooks the lamb, and the local people are able to enjoy a delicious lamb dinner.

If elected, I urge you to support the Lambs Over Landmines Tax Exemption bill introduced by Adam Ebbin last year. When he reintroduces it this year, it will allow farmers to write off the cost of lambs that are donated to the Lambs Over Landmines program.

Sincerely,
Steven
President, Lambs Over Landmines

From: Waldo Jaquith
To: Steven McCants
Subject: Re: Lambs Over Landmines
Date: October 14, 2005

Steven,

I find your Lambs Over Landmines proposal troubling, and I harbor grave concerns about Delegate Ebbin’s bill.

As you may know, lambs are not in great supply. As you may also know, the effects of a landmine — whether calibrated to maim a human or destroy a vehicle — are sufficiently great as to leave little of the lamb. The resultant quality of meat is extremely low, certainly insufficient to slather with olive oil, spice with pepper, salt, rosemary and garlic, cook on a spit for five hours, and chew off of the bone while letting the juices drip down my chin.

Clearly, Lambs Over Landmines is problematic in its choice of animals. I urge you to reconsider your tack.

My suggestion is that you consider KOL — Kangaroos Over Landmines. As you are no doubt aware, the continent of Australia is overrun with Kangaroos, as is the case with deer here in the United States. Many of them starve to death for lack of food, while many others are struck by lorry trains on Australian highways. It’s a nation eager to rid itself of these troublesome beasts.

Better still, kangaroos would serve your purposes more ideally. First, they weigh significantly more than lambs, so they’re far more likely to trigger landmines. Second, their manner of transport generates a great deal of downward pressure, which further increases the likelihood of explosion. Thirdly, many landmines explode not when stepped on, but when the pressure is subsequently removed. This means that kangaroos’ leap into the air would be accented by the explosion, a spectacle that would no doubt bring great joy to the young children playing hopscotch nearby, not unlike a poor man’s Independence Day celebration for the filthy little bastards. And finally, kangaroo meat is far more versatile than the lowly lamb. Fine recipes include kangaroo kidney pie, kangaroo and mash, kangaroo and skillogalee shiraz pies, kangaroo brochettes with tomato feta salad and, my favorite, kangaroo rump with kumquat and beetroot glaze. And, of course, they’re delicious when newly-exploded.

I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Delegate Ebbin has received a great deal of money from the Sheep Farmers of Virginia. I suspect he has deliberately led you astray in this matter. Please believe me when I tell you that your cause will be much better served by exploding these treasured marsupials. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a lobbyist for the Kangaroo Farmers of Virginia.

Sincerely,
Waldo Jaquith

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